that gal jam: wiped out and starting from scratch!

Over the weekend, J was updating his server and something happened that caused both of our websites to be wiped out.  I was initially disappointed at the idea of having to remember and re-do all the stuff that I have put into mine—posts about our travels which I have not updated in months, doodles that I have made over the past couple of weeks (which I planned to be a daily exercise, but of course, reality happened), and other stuff that I only vaguely remember.

When J tried to access his last backup and found out that none of my new entries were saved, I took it as a sign.  A warning to sustain my own flow of creativity and not let momentum leave my body.  A reminder that there are more important things than doubt.  That waiting for something amazing to magically fall into your lap or inspiration to hit you smack in the face is a complete waste of time.

I am an overflowing vessel of plans, dreams, and whatnot.  I keep saying I want to get back into running shape, but I always find some lame excuse not to go outside—it's too cold, it's too late, I don't have the right attire, I'm sore.  I call myself an artist, but I allow myself to feel insecure about my work and say that my style is outdated, my skills are not good enough, and no one will be interested in what I do.  I call writing my number one passion, but I can't even transform my 6-month old travel notes into engaging blog entries that retell the excitements of my trip around Asia with J, I haven't written a single new poem in years, and I can't bring myself to chronicle my everyday thoughts for fear of boring my readers (including myself) to tears.

The thought of losing the things I know I've worked hard for—even if it's something as small as mere website content—made me panic, I won't deny it.  However, it also made me realize that I had so much to offer, if I only gave myself the chance.  The things that really count won't be wiped out just like that—they're in my head and my heart, only waiting to be utilized and developed.

This is a fresh start—and I've had many in my life—and this time, I vow not to waste it.  I will fulfill my dreams, ambitions, and plans and watch them become bigger.  I will learn to draw inspiration from everything I can get my hands on.  I will punch fear and doubt and boredom in their guts every time they come at me.

I will take life one day at a time, enjoy my time doing things that make me happy, and not worry about the uncertainty tomorrow because I have hope and faith that good things will happen.
 
And I am going to love it.

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Here is a list I came up with just now and put on as my desktop wallpaper.  It is a list of things I need to do on a daily basis to gain control of my own inhibitions and insecurities and unleash the incredible, colorful, life monster inside me.

• Exercise.  Get that flat stomach I've always wanted.  No, "huge pusons run in my family" is not a valid excuse.
• Read a random Wikipedia page.  Knowledge is power.
• Listen to a Jason Mraz song and post about it on your other blog.  I know, too many blogs.  So what? :P
• Spend an hour on Google Reader.  Don't let the unread entries pile up to a thousand.
• Share a link or two...or five.  Prove that I am a social networking butterfly.
• Watch your favorite shows and write something about them.  Have something to show for the hours I spend torrenting and watching dramas and comedies.
• Visit websites for inspiration.  Don't be satisfied with an afternoon of just watching shows.  
• Doodle something.  It doesn't have to be spectacular or digitally rendered.  Move those fingers.  Use my Sharpies and prove that it was a good idea to bring them with me.
• Blog whatever's in my mind at the moment.  Don't think about my audience.  Do it for me.

[cross-posted from Once In A Blue Jam]